My Story: After The Tragedy (Part 4)

I do not rest well at all.  On vacation it normally takes me three of four days just to disconnect.  The best time that I have ever disconnected from work was while I was in the hospital.  While I was in the hospital I was 1.) unaware during much of the time.  I do not even remember July and much of August 2021.  2.) Busy with other stuff such as rehab and just getting better. Plus I was more worried about seeing my family and being able to eat and drink at that time.   Looking back today I realize much of my life has been spent worrying about the next thing and not really appreciating the moment.  When something would come up I would drop what I was doing and take care of whatever the thing was.  Even now when I sit down to read I read in a rush so I can get to the next thing on the list.  I realize this is an area I need to work on.  I think this is why I enjoy activities such as gardening and fishing.  When working in the garden you are only able to focus on the task at hand.  But it was also a struggle because for me it was easy to leave the garden.   Fishing usually requires the use of both hands not to mention the position of the boat.   For me hunting was a bit of a stretch.  I did not relax or disconnect well while deer hunting.  Usually I would be sitting in a deer stand or blind waiting on a deer to come out.  It was in this waiting (and most of the time more waiting) that my mind would wander to whatever else was on the list and I would not disconnect very well.  I know many hunters that disconnect very well while hunting but I was not wired to do so.  Now that I think about it I believe the outdoor hobby of fishing was probably my best activity to disconnect which is probably the reason it has been my favorite.

Some say that it is because I ignored my health that I am going through this.  Yes, that may be the case but I do not believe it.  I truly thought I was just experiencing headaches a couple times a week because of stress.  After a quick dose of Ibuprofen I was over it and good to go.  I could have gone to the doctor a little sooner, waited for hours to see the doctor and had a test and x-rays done weeks later but I did not. Years ago I went through a medical trial where after a stretch of stress one of my eyes would become dilated all the way and my vision would be messed up during this.  I would have to go to bed then the next morning it would be normal.  I had multiple x-rays and saw multiple specialists.  This was right after my daughter was born.  One of the specialists said it was most likely due to the stress of being a new dad since they could not find anything on my x-rays.  He prescribed me some medicine to take when this happened but I never had to take it.  The issues just went away and I was back to life.   I could and probably should have gone and gotten it checked out this time but who knows if I would have been checked beyond that or just told to take this medicine and move on.  Who knows?  We can play the what if game forever and never know.  I believe I am going through all this for a purpose.  I truly hate the pain and trouble this has caused those I am closest to.  What is next I do not know?   But I can only hope the next thing gives me an opportunity to relax a bit more often but knowing myself I will not do that well at all.

I left my desk and went downstairs to take out the trash before the weather outside got too hot.  Got to love summertime in Arkansas!    As I was taking out the trash someone asked for some work gloves for a kid that is out cleaning our flowerbeds today.  As a habit I answered, “I have some in my truck toolbox.”  I went outside to fetch my gloves but could not quickly find them.  My truck went unused for months and was used by family members while I was out so nothing has been the same.  I climbed into the bed of the truck to look for the gloves in my toolbox.  My truck is dark colored and in the summertime sun and heat it was already hot even in the early morning.  This is something that used to be an easy task for me.  Because of my balance it proved to be difficult for me this time to climb over in the bed of the truck.  This was the first time I had climbed in the bed of my truck in a year.  There is no way I could have been able to do this task weeks ago.  I found the gloves and climbed back out of the truck bed.  A bigger challenge this time but I did it.  Climbing in and out of the truck bed felt so good to accomplish.  Small stuff for me right now.

Today I am thankful.  As I struggle and the “buts” get the most of me I forget to be thankful.  I am thankful to be married to an amazing wife and a dad to two great kids.  I am thankful to have so many great friends and family.  I am thankful for the adventures that I have been on with some great friends and family.  A lot of these adventures will have to make their own storytime as I can’t write them all now.   I am thankful to have always been blessed with a family that takes care of me.  I am thankful to be a part of an amazingly caring church family. I wish I could list all the friends and family that have helped during this time.  There are just too many people and examples to list.  Many of them I do not know, some I have been told of, and many I have experienced firsthand. I am thankful for a God that loves and cares for me and for whatever purpose I believe he brought me out of this for a reason.  I am thankful to come through this TRAGEDY.  Out of the blue a few weeks ago my friend, pastor and encourager Rob just in passing mentioned if I wanted to write my testimony he would help.  At that moment I had only told Christy I was working on the draft of this story and it was only a few days before this conversation.  I told him I was writing the story and would definitely be needing his help as he is the most talented writer I know.  Thanks for everything Rob!  Looking back I believe this conversation proved to me that writing my story might be of some use down the road and I am beyond thankful for Rob’s encouragement.  There is so much to be thankful for that I am sure I am forgetting to write most of them.

I am writing this story just so I do not forget it.  Hopefully others can get some encouragement from the story as well.  If others read the story that is a bonus to me.  Thank you so much for reading this story.  If you have gotten some encouragement from my story let me recommend a much better book, Hope Heals by Katherine and Jay Wolf.  If you haven’t read it I highly recommend reading it.  When I came home my wife gave me the book but I just was not in a place to read it.  I read part of it then re-read it as I got better in 2022.  While I was in the hospital much of my family read the book. 

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