My Story: After The Tragedy (Part 2)

In my recovery being an outdoorsman has been the thing I have missed the most.  This was the first time in my life that I have not gone deer hunting once in a season.  My friend Blake took me on my first fishing trip since all this started.  In true Blake fashion he caught more than I did but I was able to catch a few fish.  I wish now that I had taken a moment to take a few pictures of our fish but did not so the memory will have to suffice.  I have started back to gardening.  I just can’t help it, I love fresh tomatoes.  The silage tarp I mentioned before is once again proving to be very useful.  It has been so helpful that I have it on a plot for next year.  With the Arkansas heat their calling for soon it should work very well.   Some afternoons if I’m done with yard and garden work I set a camouflage ground blind up in the backyard and sit and take pictures of songbirds.  My daughter has shown some interest in learning photography so I am teaching her what little I know.  These outdoor activities are just my way of attempting to get back to some normalcy.  It is not as it was before but close.

I have never been a reader but am trying to read more.  I have read books and the bible nearly daily since the beginning of 2022.  I tried to read some to pass the time as I recovered in late 2021 but I did not have the mental capacity to do it then.  I partially read some books but re-read them in 2022.  I am ashamed to admit but during all this I have read further in the bible than I ever have.  A lot of bible reading plans say to read these chapters each day.  I do not know how many times I have read the book of Genesis and maybe parts of Exodus.  It would never fail that life would happen and I would miss some days.  I would try to get back on plan but it just always seemed like too much. I would eventually get so far behind I would stop even trying.   Now I am just reading as much as I can. Most days I read one or two chapters then stop but some days I read more than two chapters in the bible and some days life gets in the way and I do not take the time to read the bible or a book..  For me dropping the assigned daily chapters improved things so much.

As I have been recovering scripture verses, songs, and quotes have been very encouraging to me.  On my computer are a bunch of photographs.  By themselves they are just a photograph so as I read an encouraging word I overlay it on one of these photographs.  I have some of them printed and taped to the wall of my office today.  I put them on the wall around my desk so they can be a daily encouragement.  

One scripture verse that has been a part of my life since high school is Philippians 1:20.  I first read this verse at a church camp in high school and it became a huge part of my life.  I quickly wrote it down and put it in many places.  I remember in my time in the hospital talking about this verse with my pastor Rob.  At the end of the verse it says “…whether by life or by death”.  I remember Rob saying you had no idea about that part of the verse when it became your memory verse or the role it would play in your life.  He is right, I had no idea.  I am thankful this scripture became a part of my life for years.  Even when I do not read it for years I can still quote it.   I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.  -Philippians 1:20

As I stated before I have been an emotional mess.  Where it seems to be the worst is in worship on Sundays.  My first Sunday back at church was a very emotional day for me.    Yes songs and preaching have had an emotional toll on me before but right now I usually get very emotional at least once on Sundays.  The message from God and just taking a moment to stop the craziness of life seems to have the largest effect. At other times I become emotional just never knowing when it is going to come.   Nearly daily Christy will have to ask me what is so funny.  Usually something makes me laugh and I just continue laughing, once I get tickled or find something funny where I used to chuckle then move on now I laugh very uncontrollably.  

I believe these emotions not only come from the word of God but also from me just taking a moment to be still in his presence.  As I will write more about soon I am not very good at sitting and resting.  Driving home and sitting at my desk can also be times I get emotional.  I think it is just the moments where I am still that my body takes a moment to let it out.  As it is written in scripture, He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  – Psalm 46:10 

Stress is something that I have always had to deal with.  Up to two stressors in a day would be usually all I could handle at a time.  If at a single time during the day two stressors came then a third I would find myself troubled, I would bear it but on the inside be ready to burst.  Now my physical condition is a stressor so if anything else comes I’m already at that two mark.  I found that while on vacation that I was trying to figure out all the stresses of travel were my two.  When something would happen with the kids it would push me over that ledge.  Christy would look at me confused and say, “they’re just being kids, why the stern lecture?”  I would not know at the moment but now see what I think was going on.  In these moments I would try to hold out as long as I could because I knew less stressful moments were coming.  I know now this is something I need to work on.  I used to be more of a grin and bear it kind of person.  Now I am finding myself not as much of a grin and bear it person.  I want to say something but still find myself holding it in because the repercussions of that comment I make is usually more unbearable to me than the moment that I am commenting on is.  

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