My Story: After The Tragedy (Part 5)

Like the knife that sits unused mostly in my toolbox I am waiting and ready for my next assignment.  I know from my life history that the day is coming.  Right now I do not know what it will be.  When that assignment comes I pray I am ready.  While I wait on that I pray that I continue to get better, be an active dad to two great kids, a good husband to an amazing wife and a loyal part of a great team (and not to forget all the other stuff).

As part of my day now I try to read plus listen to encouragement from preachers and other speakers on YouTube.  Before I would just watch YouTube for entertainment but now I do less for entertainment and listen to more for encouragement.  I do this now because personal and professional development has become a huge goal of mine.  I want this to become a habit of mine.   I wish I could list all of the encouragement but it would be too much to write.  Today I have been listening to Inky Johnson on YouTube.  I have never listened to him before but he has been a good encouragement today.  One word he shared during this session was two things he would want his daughters to know that hit me very hard.  1.) Enjoy every aspect of life and 2.)  Don’t waste experiences.  I would not want me, my wife, or our kids to waste any experience.  One of the hardest parts of this struggle has been the feeling of not doing well to be an active helper in raising our kids.  Yes, things are different but I have seen my kids grow up a lot in all of this and I pray the experience is not wasted.   Looking back at my story the thing that seemed the most insignificant led me to where I am today.  And along the way if I did not take a moment to enjoy life it would have been a waste.  There have been so many moments to enjoy the time and these moments led me to today.   If I didn’t have the experience of Anaheim and Northern California vacation I would not have this experience on my list to enjoy with my family and friends.  Without this I would not have met many awesome people that were on the trip to Anaheim or heard the sermon I mentioned here.  If I had said no to the trip because of my condition I would not have the experience and be able to enjoy it with my wife and with my kids. 

The other night our family watched a movie together.  I rarely take a moment to stop and watch a movie but I am trying to be more present.  The movie, Sing2, closed with a song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”.  This song hit me hard, yes I have been on some adventures but I know this is not the end.  The song is very popular but one I have never paused to truly pay attention to the lyrics.  It opens with the lines “I have climbed the highest mountains, I have run through the fields”.  Yes I have been in some awesome places but I know the Lord has something waiting for me and will use my life moving forward beyond the things I have done these past 36 years.  I want to continue to be used even though it will be tough.  Is this “tragedy” frustrating?  Yes it is.  If nothing else, hopefully this story will be inspiring to someone.

If I’m being honest I struggle with the feeling of being absolutely useless today.  Yes, there are many things I can do and when I try more I’m able to do more.  With these successes also has come a list of stuff I struggle with.  I promise I could list the struggles quicker than I could the successes.  It’s my nature to focus on the negatives instead of the positives.  Even though there have been way more positives I have found myself thinking about what I cannot do more than what I can.  I am working today on becoming more positive and focusing on listening to more encouraging speakers than I ever have.  The other day I was getting a haircut.  This was the first time I had driven myself to get a haircut and was the longest drive I had driven yet.  I was thinking about this fact as my hair was being cut.  I visited with my friend as she (Blake’s sister) cut my hair and she said you know your life is a miracle.   I keep forgetting this fact but I think I need to focus on this point and need to keep coming back to it when I find myself getting down.  I truly believe God used this moment to remind me of what HE had done in my life through all this.  Less than a year ago I have no memory of and was unable to even get myself out of bed.  Today I am back at work, driving and blessed with the chance to spend time with my family.  I realize I need to be more thankful in these down moments. Maybe being more thankful is part of my next chapter.

One of the emotions I am dealing with is frustration.  I get frustrated in my struggles. I find myself frustrated with those around me.  I am frustrated on why I have the “buts”.  In nearly if not everything I do I look like a drunk.  I promise I am not.  I walk crooked.  As I am working on this today I am doing so in a hotel.  My wife is at an educational conference and I tagged along for the outing.  While she was at the conference I walked around for exercise. While walking I was able to visit with friends who are also at the conference working.  A few weeks ago walking this path up and down stairs and through crowds would have been impossible.  But since I had been walking before for exercise it was a bit more bearable.   Again, I hope to be getting off my medication to see what changes that will make. When I was growing up there would be times that I would get in a bad mood and my mom would say, “You need to go fishing”.  I know, I know some of you are saying, “What, you were in a bad mood?!?”  Mom knew that fishing would give me a chance to relax and I would come back in a better mood.  As I said before, I do not rest well.  The time in the hospital was so stressful for me that I did not take the time to relax a bit as I should.  Because it was a bit easier for the nurses, they would come get me up first then I would sit in my wheelchair for an hour waiting for my day to start.  I wish now that I would have been a reader then because I could have read a bunch during this time.  One I did not read in this time and I was not in the mental space to read then.   Now I am trying to get back to the life which I knew before so I do not feel that it is the best time to take a breather now but this is something I am working on for the future.  But as I listen to encouraging words, rest is definitely on my list.  What that looks like I have no idea at this point.  I think I need to go fishing.

I have mentioned listening to encouraging words daily as I work.  I could list and talk about many of my sources for encouragement but I know it would take forever.  Let me recommend one that I listen to and always finish with much encouragement and usually listen multiple times just to get it all.  My recommendation is that of Michael Todd.  Every video I have watched of Mr. Todd has been extremely encouraging.  Let me challenge you to listen to an interview of Mr. Todd soon, I know he’ll encourage you too.  I will be ordering one of his books soon so I can add it to my list and get encouraged more.  If videos or Podcasts are not your source of encouragement maybe books are and from the reviews it sounds like his book titled “Crazy Faith” is very encouraging.  As I read and listen to music I hear stories of challenges others have faced.  The other day while driving to work I listened to a song on the radio.  I thought this song was a message I needed.  I went to work and started on several projects then as I worked I started listening to a motivational speech.  Again, I thought this was the message of the day.  As I listened, worked and thought about the song another song hit me.  I truly believe that in the way this song came to my mind that it was straight from God.  I do not know the last time I heard the song.  The song is “Do Something” by Matthew West.  In the song he sings a prayer to God of someone who is upset at God because of stuff in the world.  He then says as a response from God, “He said, “I did, yeah, I created you”.”  In my situation it was the love of others that impacted my family’s life so much.  These people, created by God, did so much during our struggle.  It was their gifts that were used as a blessing in our time of need.  I believe he created me and took me through a path of life and God will use the gifts in the future just as he uses others to be an encouragement to us.

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